Awakenings

by Father Thomas Keating

From the Teachings of Jesus

Chapter 19

The Duty of Confrontation

"If your brother sins [against you], go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother. If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that 'every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector. Amen, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again, [amen,] I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything for which they are to pray it shall be granted to them by my heavenly Father. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."
(Matt. 18: 18-20)

    The duty of confrontation is a hard one. According to this text, if you see people doing something seriously wrong, there is an obligation, given certain norms of prudence, to bring this fault to their attention so that they do not disintegrate into more and more self destructive behavior. Just how far this applies to us depends on our vocation. There seems to be a prophetic role in which one is sent by God to call leaders or other people to order. There have been some classical examples in history of people who under the inspiration of the Spirit confronted highly placed people with their faults. We only have to think of John the Baptist who lost his head or Thomas More who complained about the conduct of Henry VIII in similar circumstances and also found himself headless. Certain hazards surround the prophetic role. Hence it is just as well to make sure that we are really sent before we confront the lions in their dens. All of us, however, have to face the duty to correct someone once in a while.

    Dealing with teenagers is a constant concern for parents. There is anxiety over whether children are getting into bad company, experimenting with drugs, or exploring conduct that is not suitable for teenagers. At a certain point you may have enough indication of trouble to say, "I must confront this child." At the same time, you want to be sure that whatever correction you offer comes out of genuine concern and love.

    Confrontation never works if it comes out of a feeling of anger. Hence, it is important to choose a suitable time and place and to consider what the other person's situation is so that you have the maximum chance of speaking to their heart.

    Some people are temperamentally inclined to confront people; nothing gives them greater pleasure. If our correction comes from the enjoyment of confrontation, it is not going to get anywhere. Others cannot bring themselves to confront anyone because of shyness or timidity which does not want to rock the boat and inclines them to sweep all kinds of garbage under the rug. Eventually there is no more space under the rug; the dirt comes out anyway and makes a terrible mess. If they had confronted the problem promptly and out of love, they might have done a great service to someone they love or whom they have a responsibility to correct.

    The Lord indicates that if you have tried to correct and have not succeeded, you have fulfilled your duty and no more is expected of you other than to go on praying. He suggests a way of handling difficulties in a community when things are not going well with some of the members: pull them aside and confront them. This is called fraternal correction. If that does not work, you bring in a few prudent persons to discuss the matter; and if that does not work, you bring in the community as a whole. If all these efforts fail, you have completed your duty and now you can treat the offender like tax collectors whom everybody avoids. You still love the person, but the duty of trying to correct him or her has gone as far as it can go.

    Love alone can change people. This is the great confrontation that no one can resist. It offers others space in which to change no matter what they do. Our ill-conceived efforts, especially if they arise from personal annoyance or because the conduct of others might cause us embarrassment, will accomplish nothing. The offenders will sense that the confrontation is not coming from a genuine concern for them and will mobilize their defenses. By showing love no matter what happens we provide them with a milieu in which they can experience the possibility of changing. This is to imitate God's compassion toward us. He is constantly trying to correct us but never with vindictiveness. When he corrects us, he never pursues us like the three Furies of Greek mythology He simply keeps inviting us to let go of conduct that is self destructive and to come back to his love. Whenever there is something to be corrected, he indicates that if we amend, we will enjoy complete forgiveness. The only confrontation that leads to correction is to accept whomever we are trying to help just as they are.

    Here is a true story about a psychiatric nurse who was told the lurid history of a certain patient who had just entered the hospital. This man had committed a terrible crime. It was so terrible that he never wanted it known. He had completed his long prison sentence and had come to the hospital in a dying condition. He could not believe that God could forgive his crime; hence, he resisted any form of reconciliation. The chaplain tried to persuade him to trust God. He refused. Any thought of reconciliation awakened his self hatred. It was more painful for him to think of forgiveness than to feel his self hatred.

    The psychiatric nurse showed him every courtesy. She tucked him in at night, provided him with little favors like flowers, remembered his birthday, asked about his family, and wrote him notes on her day off. Because his illness was prolonged, she developed a friendship with him.

    Near the end, his closest friend came to see him and urged him to be reconciled with God. "Please don't mention it!" the dying man pleaded. "God couldn't possibly forgive me for what I have done."

    His friend kept urging, "God is good! He loves you. You can trust him." But nothing he said could penetrate the sick man's defenses.

    Finally the friend said in desperation, "Think how much love the nurse shows you. Couldn't God do the same?" The sick man acknowledged how grateful he was to the nurse who had shown him so much love, but he added, "If she knew what I have done, she too would reject me."

    His friend replied, "I must make a confession to you. When you first entered the hospital, I confided to her the entire story of your crime in every detail." The dying man looked at him in stunned astonishment. His defenses dissolved and his eyes filled with tears. "If she could love me," he murmured, "knowing all that I have done, it must be true. God too can love me."

    This nurse ministered the sacrament of reconciliation not ritually but actually She communicated in her very person God's forgiveness and compassion. The sacrament of reconciliation was unacceptable to him, but God came to him in a person who was able to manifest God's love for him in a concrete way This is the ultimate confrontation which is not so much a confrontation as the transmission of divine love. The Ultimate Reality, whom Jesus called Abba, is the loving father, mother and every human relationship that is beautiful, good, and true all rolled into one transcendent gift of boundless compassion. Each of us can be a symbol of that love to those we meet.

This chapter is taken from the book Awakenings by Fr. Thomas Keating. You can obtain a copy from the Bookstore.  See Awakenings