Posting this on behalf of Noreen:
This message is hitting me powerfully today, right in the heart! I first read about Jesus being the good Shepherd who lays his life down for his sheep in one of the Anglican morning prayer readings. His own sheep know him. I asked myself, “Do I really know him? Do I have a shepherd? Is he my shepherd whom I trust? Do I recognize Jesus as one who lays down his life – for me?” Then I heard the Gospel reading for today in church. What struck me was Jesus’s question to Peter, three times, “Do you love me?” Do I know Jesus’s heart for me? Do I believe that he would lay down his life for ME? Do I really believe in my heart that he has done this? I have real difficulty telling Jesus I love him. This goes very deep. In my childhood and church upbringing, I felt I had to be good (obedient) in order to be loved, or even accepted by God. I was a good child, until late in my teens, when I rebelled against the entire religion, and I was no longer a good girl. I eventually came back, a believer, but reluctant to join a church which has disappointed me and hurt me so much. And it is very difficult for me to break out of this mindset. It’s hard for me to separate Jesus from church and pious believers who I feel so different from. I never feel like I quite fit in. I never quite belong. I always have a different take on things. Because I always seem to think and believe differently, I know (and fear) some might call me a heretic. I wonder if I am! But I have to be true to myself! The point is, this being different makes me wonder if I am disqualified from this inner group. Does Jesus embrace me? I doubt this love of Jesus, at least in my case. And so I have spent a lifetime being a bit of an outsider. And wondering if Jesus sees me as an outsider too, fearing that he is watching me skeptically. But as I do centering prayer, I look at my beliefs and fears and bring them to God. Something is breaking down. Today I find myself crying a lot. Peter must have also felt less than qualified to be in that inner circle! But Jesus reached out to him, handing him bread and fish he had grilled himself, also for Peter! Today I feel the pain of having shut myself out, and I cry. I can imagine Jesus making breakfast for me and handing it to me – to me! With love in his eyes, and maybe even a hug. I sit there, and allow him to embrace me, and the tears flow.
