Q: I have practiced Centering Prayer in the past to good effect, but then years ago I had heart surgery and got a mechanical aortic valve. Staying alive as a result has been great, but I hear the thump, thump, thump of my aortic valve opening and closing, constantly, every waking moment. There is no such thing as silence. It is so loud that people who sit a foot away from me can hear it. It’s very regular, and it doesn’t bother me, except when I try to have silence. Not long after the surgery I just gave up and thought, Centering Prayer is just not going to be the thing for me anymore. But lately I’ve been feeling the lack of that. I’m wondering if this is something you’ve ever heard discussed in the contemplative prayer world? Also, would it be cheating if I used a fan or a white noise machine to block out the thump, thump, thump?
A: Thank you for writing to us about your desire to return to Centering Prayer practice, despite the constant sounds of your mechanical aortic valve. It would not be cheating at all to use a fan or white noise machine to block out the sounds – that is covered under the Centering Prayer guideline of “sitting comfortably” – if the white noise contributes to your comfort, that is a good thing. So please go ahead and give it a try.
If you are up for a little exploration, I would also encourage you outside of Centering Prayer time to work with the Welcoming Prayer practice, aiming for a quiet place and time to explore the sounds of your heartbeat. Whatever arises on any given day – whether a sense of annoyance, vulnerability, self-consciousness, or perhaps a gentle lulling, or sense comfort in the constancy, etc. – focus and sink into the physical sensations and emotions that arise as you listen to your heart. As you do this, when you felt ready you could welcome the feelings or sensations you have on that day, trusting that the One who brought you into being holds you closely at all times, through all experiences. You can find out more about the Welcoming Prayer practice here.
At even another time if you felt playful, you could move your whole body or parts of it to the steady rhythm, or sing a contemplative chant as you listened to your heart rhythm. The idea is that, it takes so much energy to push something away or to try not to hear it — it could be fruitful to explore, outside of your Centering Prayer time, what it might be like to turn and embrace whatever you experience as you listen to it.
Overall with the Welcoming Prayer or the playfulness, you could aim to make the steady sounds of your heartbeat integral to your practice and your walk with the Divine Indwelling. I recall a phrase from astronaut Jim Lovell, who commanded the particularly challenging Apollo 13 space flight: “You never know what will transpire to bring you home.” In other words, some of our challenges can turn out to be gifts that can help guide our path.
As part of this exploration, I wonder if your experience during Centering Prayer might gradually become less attuned to the thumping sounds – there might be moments when it could fade into the background of your experience. Meanwhile: white noise sounds great!
Please feel free to write back and let us know how it is going.
Blessings on your practice!
Joy Andrews Hayter
