The following is a collection of some of the notes I took after speaking with Father Thomas on the phone during the last three years of his life. They do not represent the totality of our many conversations, but I believe these few entries shed light on important aspects of his final spiritual evolution. Thomas remained the very essence of what it means to be a Christian to the very end; not in the superficial sense of belonging to a particular religion or adhering to a set of rituals, but in the true sense of being someone capable of consenting courageously, lovingly, and radically to be transformed into Christ, with all the painful and glorious consequences that this way entails. Thomas also gradually discovered, at the end of his life, that he was being called to an even deeper vocation reserved to only a few: to participate fully in the Passion of Christ for “whatever purpose God may have.” He embraced wholeheartedly this extraordinary invitation, and these brief notes simply try to document this process as I witnessed it.
It has been with some hesitation and after much prayer that I have consented to having these notes published: first, as an appendix to Cynthia Bourgeault’s book “Thomas Keating: the Making of a Modern Christian Mystic” and now in the Contemplative Outreach Newsletter at Pamela Begeman’s request. The sole reason for doing so, and for exposing what was a very personal and private interaction, is to contribute to a fuller picture of Father Thomas’s final journey and his commitment to Christ until the very end of his life in this world.
April 7, 2015
Extraordinary phone conversation with TK regarding [Meister] Eckhart. I pointed out their similarities and he said he is studying Eckhart a great deal these days, since he answers some of his own questions and paradoxes. Institutional religions—he says—always reject their mystics, since they are afraid of the freedom brought about by the mystical way. He recommended the book Paths to Transcendence by Reza Shah-Kazemi. Reminded me that the graces of Easter are not limited to Easter Sunday, but also fill us in the days that follow.
September 10, 2016
(A bit of context for this entry. Thomas and I had been working on a project, I forget which one, and we used to speak on the phone several times a week. Trying to schedule our next call, I suggested the following Thursday afternoon. His answer was to say that he preferred to keep Thursday afternoons free, because the monastery celebrated Mass in the evening on Thursdays. He always liked to prepare in silence for several hours before receiving the Eucharist. These are the words that followed:)
“You know that Christ is the center of my life. When I receive the Eucharist, I am receiving the Body of Christ. But I believe that all of humanity is the Body of Christ. Therefore, when I receive the Eucharist, it is not just the union between two persons (myself and Christ), but a union with all of creation, which is the Body of Christ. When I receive the Eucharist, I am receiving in me all of creation, and I need time to be ready for that.”
(After this exchange, Thomas would sometimes say to me in farewell: “I will see you IN the Eucharist.”)
December 20, 2017
Great conversation last night with TK. He wants to start a small group (5 people max) to share about unity consciousness over the phone. I guess I’ll be there on a theoretical basis, since I have no claims to the state. We had a good laugh because he mailed back to me his “examination of conscience.”
(This group never came to be, since almost immediately after this phone call, he began to experience a period of intense physical suffering that accompanied him, on and off, for the rest of his life.)
January 13, 2018
Significant conversation with TK. He is in excruciating pain in his legs, especially his right ankle. The pain becomes worse when he lies down, so he cannot rest. When it is intense “all you can think about is the pain, so there is no possibility of resting in prayer.” The doctors don’t know what is causing it.
He thinks his vocation now is probably to become “a bundle of pain” to be joined to Christ’s pain on the cross for whatever purpose God may have. To his surprise, he finds himself recovering many of his earliest devotions and they are helping him a great deal. Trust in the Blessed Mother and thinking of Jesus falling under the weight of the cross on his way to Calvary allow him to get up from bed.
He also said how much he would love to see me and thanked me profusely. Given the state of health of both, seeing each other in this world is almost certainly not going to happen, but I did mention that we would always be together, since that is our faith. This was almost like a farewell conversation. Speaking too much tires him. As always, he said goodbye with his usual “much love” and “dear heart.” I was extremely moved by this grace, for it was a grace, and the first thing that came to my lips was: “Lord, I am not worthy.” He feels that the end may be near.
On the question of appointing a person or a pastoral council to assume the spiritual leadership of Contemplative Outreach, we both agreed that we didn’t resonate with the idea. His charism, he said, is now passed on to the organism as such. It will be a new way of doing things, without separating the material (administrative) from the spiritual. The GB will know when and if it needs help. It is urgent to change the name of the Board to something different, more integral, like Trustees Council perhaps.
January 20, 2018
Still in a lot of pain, but a little more relieved. Acupuncture made him relax, but it is not easy to get an acupuncturist to the monastery. He sounds weak.
February 5, 2018
Voice mail from TK. “I’m about the same, which is up and down. At night the pain is not as bad as it was, but it is enough to keep me awake except for a half hour here and there…I am very tired, exhausted today because I had a bad night and can’t eat much because I don’t have much of an appetite, so I would say I’m in a very rough place, a tough time, and I wouldn’t be surprised if other parts begin to fall apart because I can’t keep this up forever… My nurses are looking into some ways of relieving the pain through some other means, but they haven’t got far… So, I can say that I am coming to the end of my strength and cannot keep this up much longer. I appreciate so much the prayers from everyone. I will ask Bonnie to send out a message saying how I am as the weeks, if there are weeks, unfold. As I said, I am sending you the 8 poems to see if you think they would be suitable in a book like the one Peter and I previously did. Peter thinks they’re very good, I am not sure… I would like your general opinion, or if you see anything special that should come out or go in we can talk about it. You just call this number, leave a message, and I will call you back. Much love and thanks for your concern. It’s hard to describe symptoms that we don’t know where they are coming from…”
February 21, 2018
Long conversation with TK. He is still in pain, but it is less constant than before. All the medications for pain make him very sick. He knows his vocation now is to suffer identified with the Passion of Christ and he is happy (his word) to live that vocation. His voice was strong.
March 1, 2018
TK’s request to me (and he was totally serious): “Pray for my conversion.” At that I laughed and replied that his conversion had taken place a long time ago. His answer: “Pray for my conversion that I may grow into deeper levels of faith and union.”
March 9, 2018
Talk with TK last night. The pain still keeps him awake and he is very wobbly on his feet… He advises to cultivate prayer of the heart to open it more and more widely to God’s love.
March 24, 2018, Saturday
Devastated by TK’s call yesterday. He was very weak and couldn’t talk long. He was in the hospital again, has a “number of maladies,” needs 24/7 care now, and is being transferred on Monday, March 26, to Spencer. He doesn’t know whether they have phones there. He’s being asked to let go of everything, including his beloved valley. He told Maru and Marie that the mission is now in our hands, and that he is ready for his “last walk,” after experiencing fully the Passion of Christ in himself. Holy Week begins tomorrow. If he is suffering (and he is) I pray that his last walk does not last long.
March 25, 2018. Palm Sunday.
Today is Thomas’ last day in Snowmass. Tomorrow he will fly to Spencer. What a challenge! The monks also have to deal with Abbot Joseph starting chemo on Easter Monday.
March 26, 2018. Monday of Holy Week.
Preparations for Thomas’ trip to Spencer must have begun. I am with him on his journey! Received beautiful message from Cecile B. yesterday and it gave me great comfort: “It is as it should be. Grace will overflow.”
Read this from Thomas Merton: “But the true teachers preach the sanctity of Christ, and He shines through them. He it is Whose Truth has made them holy.” This is a true description of Thomas.
TK moved to Spencer on Monday, March 26, 2018. Monday of Holy Week.
March 30, 2018. Good Friday.
Beautiful message from Bonnie. She spoke with Thomas on Tuesday and he is resting. She asks for prayers for Abbot Joseph and the monks of St. Benedict’s. Yesterday, extraordinary communion with Thomas all day long, but especially during Holy Thursday Mass. I am working on (almost finished) subtitling Thomas’ memorial video. So poignant to work on this while he is still alive. It is a beautiful video!
From the Mystery of Christ pages 85-86: “A meal together is a symbol of belonging. Before (for the disciples) it had always meant conversation, laughter, and singing. This was a new level of belonging. Their former relationship with Jesus was coming to an end and a new relationship was being communicated to them at a far deeper level. This sharing was not by word of mouth, nor by ideas or feelings, but by the Spirit dwelling in their inmost being, a far better form of communication than the one they had before…”
This describes so well the communion I am experiencing with Thomas now. It’s at a far deeper level. Sharing by the Spirit dwelling in the inmost being of both. Sensitivity to the inspirations of the Spirit. Thank you!
March 31, 2018. Holy Saturday.
Strange dream about Thomas last night. A group of us had a meeting in a place where he was (Marie Howard was one of them). We could see him sitting in the hallway alone, but could not approach him. We were supposed to wait.
April 4, 2018
Austere, sober, plain, are adjectives that may describe TK’s poems. Great experience sharing one in Lectio last night. “The silence of the Creator of all is thunderous.” Maybe ‘lean” and “sober” are the best adjectives.
April 5, 2018. Thursday.
Joyful conversation with Thomas yesterday. After thinking I might never hear his voice “live” again, the phone rang… and voila! there he was. He says he will call on Thursday evenings. He is not able to eat anything solid.
April 10, 2018. Tuesday.
Yesterday, conference call of the Gift Committee. Thomas participated throughout the 1 hour and 20 minutes meeting! Weak but stable, I would say.
April 13, 2018. Friday.
Thomas called last evening, and I found him extremely weak. He says that in the new-found spirit and consciousness of Contemplative Outreach (openness, etc.) he senses the hand of Pat Johnson. Two more monks from St. Benedict’s are disabled: Father William Meninger is almost blind, and Father Ed had a pulmonary embolism. He does not feel like reading or writing and is trying to get used to the lack of complete silence. He finds himself slipping off the chair. He would need back support to meditate on his recliner. He will call again next Thursday, depending on how he feels.
April 19, 2018. Thursday.
Thomas called. It was a sad call. He is in bad shape and feeling “terrible” (his word). He still has not adjusted to a new environment where there is NO silence. He will not be able to call every Thursday. However, he will try to call once a month (in 4 weeks, maybe). Heartbroken.
May 2, 2018. Wednesday.
I had a crummy day yesterday, health wise. Weak and tired, and then TK called. He sounded so weak himself! Loving as always. He said I should stop praying for him and then maybe I would feel better myself. Told him I could not do that. He is praying for my discernment on whether I should let go of some things.
May 18, 2018. Friday.
Had a wonderful experience yesterday with the online Meditation Chapel and was sad because I could not share my joy with TK. But at 7 pm, he called!! He is very weak, but alert and I was able to share this with him. What a gift! Speaking too much tires him.
June 17, 2018, Sunday. Father’s Day.
TK’s voice on the phone again tonight. Unexpected call. He sounds weak, but stable. Coughing less, so he is less exhausted. He wanted to let me know that he gave my phone number to a Trappist monk from Venezuela who visited him today and who wants to know more about Centering Prayer. Forever the pastor! I relayed news about our joint meditation program with people from WCCM. He is very happy about this, and I told him it was his work. He stays in bed for the most part because he needs help to get up. He knows that he is being asked to participate in Christ’s Passion and he is more than willing to consent to it, but it is not easy. He can no longer meditate. I said that he is now where meditation is supposed to take him, so his life IS constant meditation. Wished him a happy Father’s Day and he responded: “Yes, I have such a large family, given to me by the Spirit.” He knows that the Spirit is doing more through him now than when he was active and then added: “It is all in your hands now. Just be attentive to the voice of the Spirit and follow the inspirations of the Spirit and this work will grow.” He will call when he can.
June 26, 2018, Monday.
Maru saw Thomas last Saturday and spent one and a half hours with him. His body is dissolving, but his spirit is intact. I will write to him today. It’s hard to imagine him this feeble … He has lost a lot of weight and is becoming love more and more each day. As he says in the video on Fruits and Gifts of the Spirit: ‘Anything that is not unconditional love is not really you.” I am sure that he is waiting with open arms for “Come, sweet death.”
August 9, 2018. Thursday. Last conversation with TK
Call around 4:30 pm from TK. Lovely talk. He sounded weak and short of breath. He wanted to know all about meditation groups online. He sends “blessings upon blessings” on them. Says that he is living the passion of Christ, including the loss of the Father’s presence. He is brought communion every day. He is constantly fatigued. As always, he showed great interest in my health and mentioned the importance of saying yes to limitations. “You just have to listen to the Holy Spirit, but this takes time to develop.” On the issue of different methods of Christian meditation: “John Main and I have the same outlook, but different methods. That is fine. Buddhists have some 60 different methods of meditation, so it’s OK for Christians to also have a few, including hesychasm, etc. They all point in the same direction.” He says he thinks of me all the time and that we support each other in our exhaustion. This might be our last conversation, who knows? How much love in a human being! He’s reading a little, but spending most of his time in Lectio.
August 17, 2018. Friday.
Gilberto [Walker] is back from Snowmass and saw Pat Johnson there. TK said to Pat when she visited him: “If I hadn’t left Snowmass, my heart would not have cracked wide open.”
September 22, 2018, Saturday
Thomas apparently does not have much time left. Bonnie [Shimizu] does not think he will make it to November 3, which is when Marie was planning to visit him. Maru is not so sure that the end is imminent. May God’s will be done. We are with him.
September 27, 2018. Feast of St. Vincent de Paul.
It seems that Thomas is close to death. He is, apparently, in renal failure. It’s just a matter of waiting, waiting in presence. For me today, two great loves become one: Thomas and St. Vincent de Paul.
September 28, 2018
Still waiting with Thomas. He is apparently a bit “better” today. There is a time to be born and a time to die: Today’s first reading from Ecclesiastes. There is an appointed time for everything.
October 1, 2018
Thomas still with us, despite renal failure.
October 18, 2018. Thursday. Feast of St. Luke.
Father Meninger is being transferred to Spencer and Abbot Joseph is dying. What does this all mean, personally and for Contemplative Outreach? How does it interact with this new global ministry via Zoom? What is it telling me about radical letting go?
October 24, 2018. Wednesday.
Quite an experience tonight. I prayed to Thomas for discernment on whether I should move to Colombia or stay here, an issue I have been prayerfully considering for several months. I had an incredible sense that he was guiding me, and the message was clear: “Stay where you are, doing what you do, and don’t leave the USA, I need you here.” Clear as a bell. It is interesting also that it was so firm, which is not Thomas’ style. I guess he didn’t want me to harbor any doubts. I was filled with a great sense of peace. I have clarity now that letting go simply means not being concerned about the future. Keep giving and all will be well. What a sense of gratitude. Uncertainty about motivation (Am I attached to this or that?) is all but gone. Give up security. That’s what I am being asked to do.
October 25, 2018.
Thomas is dying. Night-long vigil with Maru, in silence and over the phone, in total communion of spirits. All three of us: Thomas, Maru, and myself, in different geographical locations, but united in One heart.
Thomas passed away at 10:07 pm and we were informed a few moments later by Brother Erik. So much peace!
October 31, 2018.
A very strange thing happened last night. I was in the kitchen washing dishes in silence when I heard a voice in the living room that I recognized as Thomas’s. It was coming from my phone. I thought at first that it could be that one of his old voicemails had somehow been triggered, but when I approached it I could see that it was a YouTube video from a project called The Legacy of Wisdom. It is not a Contemplative Outreach video, and I had not seen it before. A bit overwhelmed, I pressed the phone to my ear and heard Thomas saying: “You only need a few contemplatives to change society” and then it stopped. I looked for the video on YouTube and these are his exact words: “Retired people and those who are aging are the ideal reservoir for contemplatives, and you only need a certain number of contemplatives to begin to change society and to begin to find creative ways of bringing the Divine Manifestation into the marketplace …” (Legacy of Wisdom: Aging Lifestyles … 2:58).
