For all the people who suffer from chronic pain and/or chronic illness, it is a beast. Sometimes pain and other symptoms can make me just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing; I deal with it imperfectly. But I have also found it to be a real gift on the journey overall.
I’m not sure how to describe it, but there’s a way in which the point of pain becomes this direct connection to God, this thing that, when you open yourself up to it, stop resisting it, and consent, obliterates all other thoughts and leaves just this deep, strong, almost electric connection. Often I find it arcing through from my seat of intuition to the place(s) of pain. In Open Mind, Open Heart, Fr. Thomas distinguishes non-disturbing versus disturbing thoughts and how each can be let go, which sums up my experience: “When a thought is disturbing, it won’t go away so easily, so you have to let it go in some other way. One way you can let it go is to sink into it and identify with it, out of love for God.”
Sustained pain, then, becomes a doorway, or perhaps a tunnel more accurately, and by pressing into it, you both transcend it and strengthen that connection with God. You don’t pay attention to it when you lean into it, but incorporate its energy somehow. Shooting pain is more like a normal thought for me because it passes so quickly, but sometimes I need my sacred word multiple times and with the added intention of full acceptance to be able to truly let go and return, otherwise my body tenses in anticipation and fear. (“Fear is the non-acceptance of uncertainty” – I think this was Fr. Thomas as well? You can also have a second sacred word for pain in daily life, which has the intention of acceptance and non-resistance, like the word “yes.”).
Likewise, encountering pain and symptoms in daily life is a great opportunity for the Welcoming Prayer. I like to use it with this Fr. Thomas quote-turned-affirmation: “I fully accept reality as it actually is in the present moment.” It might also be worth chewing on Fr. Richard Rohr’s understanding of suffering in Eager to Love: “Suffering comes from our resistance, denial, and sense of injustice or wrongness about that pain.”
Several mystics have also come to see their pain and suffering as for the world in the most profound and beautiful way. For me, this is another thing to lean into, albeit outside the prayer period or as an offering and intention when pain is difficult as I enter the sit. In The Universal Christ, Richard Rohr quotes Colossians 1:24 as, “It makes me happy to suffer for you, as I am suffering now, and in my own body to do what I can to make up all that still has to be undergone by Christ.” Fr. Richard talks about “carry[ing] our small suffering in solidarity with the one universal longing of all humanity,” and says, “I must know that [my suffering] is somehow helping someone or something, and that it matters in the great scheme of things. Etty Hillesum […] truly believed her suffering was also the suffering of God. She even expressed a deep desire to help God carry some of it.” If you have access to the book, the chapter titled, “It Can’t Be Carried Alone” is a good one to read for this.
Elsewhere in The Universal Christ, Fr. Richard says, “Following Jesus is a vocation to share the fate of God for the life of the world, to allow what God for some reason allows and uses, and to suffer ever so slightly what God suffers eternally. […] Those who agree to carry and love what God loves, which is both the good and the bad, and to pay the price for its reconciliation within themselves, these are the followers of Jesus Christ.” And in Eager to Love, Fr. Richard says, “The cross was Jesus’ voluntary acceptance of undeserved suffering as an act of total solidarity with all the pain of the world.”
When the intensity of pain and symptoms start moving into the unbearable category, I’m not convinced you can practice Centering Prayer per se, but rather I find an unexpected arsenal of tools built up from the Centering Prayer practice that help me get through it and even turn it into something holy. I find the letting go, return, and intention arising of their own accord as I’m carried along. (Or maybe it’s an altered form of Centering Prayer based on circumstances? Either way, I can lean into the principles and wisdom of the practice without entering that block of time where nothing else transpires.)
So in a nutshell, these are the key things to hold in such times:
- Practice radical acceptance and stop resisting the pain (this includes hoping it will go away soon).
- Lean into the pain with openness and a full invitation for God to be and move within.
- Allow this pain to be held as an act of solidarity with the pain of the world.
- In general, reframe the pain and it will fall into place: “With our thoughts, we make our world.” – the Buddha in the Dhammapada. (As a side note, this includes humor. I’ve read that Brother Lawrence, who suffered from chronic pain, used to endearingly say to his body, “Ah, Brother Ass!” when it didn’t cooperate. A wry smile or laugh can go a long way.)
On a practical note, I know I have to take care of my body just as much as my soul. Practicing daily compassion for and acceptance of the body as it is with all its less-than-ideal situations is so important so I can give it the care it needs and the appreciation and gratitude it deserves, despite all the troubles. In that frame of mind, I can better discern what to let be entirely and what to make adjustments for. I have to remind myself that “I am tending my little plot of creation,” and I love the Rumi quote, “What is the body? That shadow of a shadow of Your love that somehow contains the entire universe.” The affirmation, “I choose love and joy over misery” also helps me when my symptoms drag me down, paving the way for the perspectives and mindsets above.
For Centering, sometimes my body needs to lay down which I struggled with a lot for a long time – sitting up in my standard position tells my body it’s time to Center – but I find if I spend a few minutes reading something related to get me fully into the space and making sure my intention is strong, it can work. I try to modify my laying down position so it’s different from my sleeping positions, usually by propping up on more pillows so I’m fully supported but at a different angle. Give yourself permission to shift during the practice or make other adjustments – if you do it slowly and mindfully, it becomes an extension of the practice and you won’t be yanked out of the space. And using pain management techniques to ease the pain before you start or even during (heating bags and topical pain reliever on hand) is also highly encouraged. Alleviate what you can, accept and embrace what persists.
Finally, about finding the motivation, there are two things in particular that help me when symptoms stimulate the resistance to practicing Centering Prayer: I look at it as good practice for down the road when things get ugly (no one gets through life without pain), and also the pain and symptoms will be there regardless of how I use my time (unless I just need sleep, in which case that gets priority!), so I’m not getting off the hook as far as pain is concerned by not Centering. Better to be with it in this healthy, constructive way rather than either pushing through it in work or trying to bury it in resistance through distraction (both have their appropriate time, but neither are healthy if at the expense of soul care or in large sums).
And sometimes, when things are particularly difficult, I just don’t have the willpower on top of everything to do a sit, or any soul care practice for that matter. Grace always abounds and I trust that God will bring me back after a few days.
I hope something here proves helpful for you ! Blessings for your journey. 🙏
In God’s deep peace,
Kim Yaeger
Grand Island, New York, USA
