Q: I facilitate a contemplation group and there is a challenging man who clearly has anger issues and likes to argue about whatever has been read. How should I deal with this? I find it quite upsetting and disturbing.
A: I am grateful for you reaching out and sharing your concerns. Your last sentence shows that this has been quite a difficult issue for you, and this is a question the Centering Prayer facilitator support service team has received a few times before. Managing a challenging participant in a contemplative prayer group requires a balance of compassion, clear boundaries, and effective communication. In one of the contemplative groups I’m in, we had a beloved friend who, though not angry, interrupted often and almost always would take up most of the discussions, so by the time it was time for someone else to speak, we were out of time. It created a lot of tension and sadness in our group and as convener, I had to try to find a better way to address it while still keeping the person engaged and feeling welcome. I believed she needed beloved community.
Here are some suggestions that I hope you and others may find helpful:
- Approach with compassion: Recognize that the elderly man’s anger and argumentative behavior may stem from personal struggles or past experiences. Approach him with empathy and understanding, acknowledging his feelings without condoning disruptive behavior.
- Set clear guidelines: At the beginning of each session, gently remind the group of the guidelines for respectful and contemplative dialogue. Emphasize the importance of listening and allowing space for silence, reflection and respect of the sacred space others are sharing.
- Private conversation: Consider having a private, compassionate conversation with him outside of the group setting. Express your observations and concerns calmly and listen to his perspective. This can help you understand his behavior and find common ground.
- Redirect and refocus: During group discussions, if he begins to argue or disrupt, gently redirect the conversation back to the topic at hand. You might say, “Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Let’s return to our reading and reflect on its meaning together.”
- Seek support: If the behavior continues to be disruptive, seek support from co-facilitators or other group members. Sometimes, having a united front can help reinforce the group’s guidelines and expectations.
- Self-care: Ensure you are taking care of your own emotional well-being. Facilitating a group can be demanding, and it’s important to have your own support system and practices to manage stress.
Remember, the goal is to create a safe and nurturing environment for all participants. I often remind myself that all are welcome. By addressing the issue with compassion and clarity, you can help maintain the integrity of the contemplative practice for everyone involved.
Warmest Regards, peace and all good,
Josie Garnem
member of the Facilitator Support Service team
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The facilitator handbook is an excellent resource. You may find it here on our website, under the Volunteer Resources page.