Q: I have been practicing Centering prayer for about 7 years. I have read most of Fr. Thomas’ books, most of Richard Rohr’s books and several of Cynthia Bourgeault’s. I have attended a 9 day contemplative retreat in 2024 and it was wonderful. I wanted to be a presenter of Centering Prayer but was stymied by needing to film it for my spiritual director. I ended my connection with my spiritual director shortly afterward. I understood his adherence to the rules concerning commissioning of presenters. I also felt he was not particularly helpful to me in his capacity as spiritual director.
I continued the practice of Centering Prayer and Lectio Divina. I felt devoted to God and the Trinity. I continue to attend a weekly Contemplative Outreach group but am not as constant as I once was.
I practice active prayer daily and often multiple times during the day. I almost never practice Centering Prayer now. I feel plagued by the political atmosphere. I struggle with judgment of others and myself. I feel as if I’m drifting away from Presence and I don’t want to as it once sustained me as a divorced woman with a grown Evangelical son. I miss the Lord terribly. I believe God is with me but I am losing a sense of God’s presence. I feel lost. Can you advise me in some way?
A: I was so deeply touched by the poignancy of your email. Thank you for reaching out with such honesty and vulnerability.
First , I am so sorry about your experience with your former director and your desire to be a Centering Prayer presenter. Your experience reminded me of the truth Fr. Thomas always emphasized — we don’t really teach Centering (or Welcoming, Forgiveness, etc.), but rather the Spirit transmits through us. Please don’t let human technicalities stymie your heart’s desire.
Next, your sense of being plagued by the current political situation, challenged with judgment, and a felt sense of drifting away from the Presence sounds to me like the classic Dark Night. I relate on so many levels. But the world still needs us and our open hearts. So I gently invite you back to the chair. Sometimes just sitting down is all we can manage, but remember it’s our whole being God wants, even the dark, ragged, doubting, broken pieces seem to be just fine with the Divine. We’re just asked to walk in Radical, Invincible Trust that the One who led us here will see us through, even if we know not how.
Finally, the Lectio that captures my heart is from Luke 9:47: Jesus realized the intentions of their hearts …
That is what speaks so clearly to me in your letter, you intention to Love and to say YES … it just doesn’t feel very good, nor seem to produce any fruit right now. Don’t worry, your intention is known, seen, and cherished. Keep living it out to the best of your ability without regard to being successful at manifesting it.
I’m sharing here on of Thomas’ poems, TWILIGHT OF THE SELF (from The Secret Embrace):
My heart is solitary now.
It finds no companionship anywhere
And no wish to find any.
My sole desire is You,
And you are always absent.
Can one love absence so intensely
That even Your presence
Seems like an intrusion?
I move around in aimless circles
Rituals and sacred symbols,
Once treasured sources of relating to You,
Are meaningless to me now.
They communicate nothing of You,
Who are everything to me,
But for whom and from whom I feel no love,
Nor hope of fulfillment.
I am as one turned inside out,
And there is nothing there – not You, not me.
If this is union, there is neither two in One,
Nor One without another.
I long to relate to everyone
Yet lack the capacity to relate to anyone.
There is only Your boundless presence,
That treats me like a thing without a heart,
Except perhaps a broken heart.
For the God I thought I knew
No longer exists.
Peace to you,
Mary Dwyer
Contemplative Outreach
