During yesterday’s word of the week session, Helen described a dream that was incredibly moving. There is a detective series of three episodes that left me feeling the same way at the end. The main character had experienced early and irredeemable loss (seemingly) and a recent profound repetition of that loss. The final scene at the end of the story still brings tears to my eyes. The name of the series from 2015 was called :River.

I am back again. My lectio this morning was “he will baptize with the Holy Spirit”. Did that ever land. The Holy Spirit is the engine of my life. I can trust this spirit within even as I lurch, every day , from prater time to prayer time. I , in my mind’s eye , put a cool washcloth over my brow, so overworked( to what end? )

Continued-from William Butler Yeats, the Second Coming.
today, my intention is to metaphorically hold my hand over my heart, and to live from that heart space. Just for today, I don’t have to take responsibility for analyzing or thinking my way thru anything. My God will inform me which way to go, in the moment. If I choose wrongly, I will have done it with good will.

I will be clear-eyed.

From another perspective, last night, I stood outside  and felt drawn into that beautiful sky full of white clouds, and stars shining out of the darkness. This reminds me of “bright sorrow”, something that unexpectedly arises in the midst of a time of disconsolation.

i still find the image creepy,

Good morning!

Well, I wouldn’t have this image across from my bed. It would scare me. But since it arises so much reaction in me, it stayed with me and I am mining it.

maybe, just for today, as Gerard Manley Hopkins put it, I will leave off thinking and give joy root room.

maybe that too part of her head, the thinking apparatus is in the process of blowing up , like another “big bang”. Too much entropy , to much overthinking, …The center can not hold.

I am so inadequate to respond to this week’s lesson. There is a lifetime of wisdom there to be mined. Thank you!
every morning, as I go into my centering prayer, I find myself producing tears , as one person or another comes into  consciousness. This morning it was a funeral director I had a conversation with last week at a relative’s calling hours. If ever there was a witness to God’s presence and action within, this was it. The beauty of this man’s story keeps me praising God. It was so tender, I have not shared it -only with one or two who could understand.
I had an interaction with my husband yesterday that. Had me choosing to respect his integrity rather than strong arming him to do what I thought was right. He has heart disease, has cops, diabetes and has been experiencing cold symptoms sine the funeral when we had a meal with his nephew who had a cold. We had planned to go to church in Ottawa with our daughter, and in spite of the weather forecast we ventured out. 32 degrees F. Rain on the highway. I was fussing about turning back but my husband was undaunted. I went inside for the rest of the trip and was granted insight, that I was afraid we would crash and die, ultimately. In that hour, I came to the realization that yes, we could crash and die. So what? Sooner or later, yes. Why not today?

problem solved.

after mass we walking in freezing rain to a restaurant for soup. My dear husband did not wear the toughest I had brought for him  (hat) and just had a sweater and lightweight fleece jacket on. His lack of concern for appropriate warm clothing evoked anger in me, but I was not called to protect him. His integrity was more important than weather he would up in the hospital.
I just have to let life play itself out, and not do violence to people I love in hopes of fixing them.

Amen.

 

Questions that arose after lectio divina: what am I entrusted with today?

How could fear interfere with my trust in God and in my own ability to bring about more good today?

 

To discern rightly, for me, in this moment, I need to be focused on the one thing necessary. During my centering prayer this morning, concerns and analyses and  pictures in my head kept me fragmented. Coming out of that I dropped back , down further , to a level of quietude:. Eventually, Walter Wink’s definition of prayer rose up in me:” Prayer is waking God up, setting God free , giving this famished God food and this thirsty God water….following this God wherever God goes” (probably somewhat inaccurate). So the ministry, the reaching out , has to be tethered to this presence of God, felt or unfelt , in the core of my being.

The word “vigilance” activates my hyper vigilance (from childhood trauma) so in the ear of my heart, I hear God saying: “it’s ok, you can relax, if you don’t get it right, I’ve got you”. Yes, I hear that all the time from my God, “I’ve got you”. I make little reminders (drawings) of my child self in free-fall and God catching me.

What an amazing God we have and how amazing his friends….here.

this is what just now knocked my socks off: Absence is the form God’s presence makes in the world. Simone Weil

i wonder , as I practice surrender, will I welcome the reality that anything may happen at any moment, that something isn’t good or bad for me. It just is. And God is in the middle of what is. There (here) is where I in-tend to be. With the God (of my understanding).

Like Thomas, the line stood out for me: The first shall be last and the last shall be first.
A little background. I was raised in a traditional. Upper middle class family with parents striving to have Daddy be a success in his company. My older sister was in the junior league and married to a Harvard trained lawyer. Early on , (age 12) I volunteered at a children’s home and made it my lifelong mission to advocate for “my kids”. I wanted to be anything but a society girl.

Now, present: yesterday , my husband and I were at a gathering where one of the members of a connected family began a conversation with four of us about how terrible a man and his wife were who had been invited but hadn’t arrived (yet). When the couple finally came, the husband of the lady who started the criticizing, said to my husband: let’s get out of here so we don’t have to be with them.

ordinarily , I would fume, and later criticize them. But, the prayer rises up that those people who are rich and above everyone else will be brought low so they will be open to God’ loving care. That they will know firsthand the blessing of being poor in spirit.

Today: resentment gone; care and concern replaces it.

Reflecting on what George said: I relate to Jesus crying over Jerusalem , crying over all the suffering, lost souls,, not trying , or able to “fix”.
the other. The image I have is how Zorba tried to “help” a butterfly emerge from a crysallis. The butterfly did not survive.

It is easier to demonstrate everyday kindness, though it requires awareness of what a person may need at that moment

A few advents ago, I began trusting God for showing me “the next best thing”.  I spend lots of time discerning -for example, reading The ethics of Discernment , about Bernard Lonergan’s theology. But , just responding to God moment by moment by moment by moment….that is how I am living these days.
I see all the love and care shown in these postings and have no doubt that God is present and active for each of us as we are walking our walk.

I realized at mass that the lectio recoding I listened to went a few verses farther than the official gospel lectionary for today. Just in case there is some confusion.
Linda, I am glad your calling and  path to follow  surfaced. Always good to receive the will and the way in one fell swoop.

On the subject of foolishness. Over the last month of constant houseguests, I have entertained myself making a church out of a cardboard box and collage. It has a little Marian Shrine to accompany it, and my favorite saint, Joseph of Cupertino, is  flying over. The high point (literally) is Christ on the cross as a clown. It seems disrespectful, I suppose, but to me it is very serious and goes back countless years.

I can’t abide  a faith without joy.

I remember the mother of a large family at a school where I worked. she was holding a child in her arms who was profoundly handicapped, without the capacity for cognition. She had other children in special education. She talked about what a gift he was, to be treasured as long as she had him.

Doing lectio with today’s reading, where Jesus tells Peter to “get behind me, Satan.” after Peter disagreed that Jesus had to suffer. Thinking of a couple of acquaintances who provoke anxiety (for their well-being) in me. what I am hearing is that sometimes people aren’t ready to move on from attitudes and behaviors that are clearly causing them lifelong pain. By trying to “help”, I see that these characteristics form a badly needed protection for the person. Best to await God’s timing.
In another case, a person reached out for support, then went silent. Again, it is not for me to put my foot in the door to prevent it from closing.
Compassion is a foremost value for me, but I have to ask: is this really some kind of ego need, where I am trying to usurp God’s place in tending to the other?

Such a fine line to walk, but God is at my side.

This week had me feeling like I had nothing (left) to offer, out of synch with the culture/ community I am embedded in , and to boot, my sense of God’s presence disappeared. I kept looking for him , showing up in case *He* came by.
then, I wondered, am I taking God for granted? That I will sense my God on demand?

physical ailments impacting experiencing this week.
if I can’t be at peace (happy) right here, right now, I won’t ever be happy.

I had a nightmare. The other night. After sitting with my “ not okay ness”, this is what came:

I am like a shooting star – in slow motion (time contracts and expands in liminal space).

Things fall away…out of control….”I” am blowing up (how my heart feels after this dream).

So….Each humiliation, each failure of agency, is practice for this spectacular event…bright shooting light ….poof : gone!

[Author]

Posts