I remember the mother of a large family at a school where I worked. she was holding a child in her arms who was profoundly handicapped, without the capacity for cognition. She had other children in special education. She talked about what a gift he was, to be treasured as long as she had him.

Doing lectio with today’s reading, where Jesus tells Peter to “get behind me, Satan.” after Peter disagreed that Jesus had to suffer. Thinking of a couple of acquaintances who provoke anxiety (for their well-being) in me. what I am hearing is that sometimes people aren’t ready to move on from attitudes and behaviors that are clearly causing them lifelong pain. By trying to “help”, I see that these characteristics form a badly needed protection for the person. Best to await God’s timing.
In another case, a person reached out for support, then went silent. Again, it is not for me to put my foot in the door to prevent it from closing.
Compassion is a foremost value for me, but I have to ask: is this really some kind of ego need, where I am trying to usurp God’s place in tending to the other?

Such a fine line to walk, but God is at my side.

This week had me feeling like I had nothing (left) to offer, out of synch with the culture/ community I am embedded in , and to boot, my sense of God’s presence disappeared. I kept looking for him , showing up in case *He* came by.
then, I wondered, am I taking God for granted? That I will sense my God on demand?

physical ailments impacting experiencing this week.
if I can’t be at peace (happy) right here, right now, I won’t ever be happy.

I had a nightmare. The other night. After sitting with my “ not okay ness”, this is what came:

I am like a shooting star – in slow motion (time contracts and expands in liminal space).

Things fall away…out of control….”I” am blowing up (how my heart feels after this dream).

So….Each humiliation, each failure of agency, is practice for this spectacular event…bright shooting light ….poof : gone!

You need to know how beautiful you all are.
I love the image of the piles of books all over the place. It’s like a forest full of scampering little creatures….life! And the clothes! My partially remade thrift store clothes and sewing machine (s!) sitting around, canvas, paints. Last week reflecting on sewing a patch on worn fabric , I realize the fabric is Kathy , me , the worn , torn piece of fabric . Beyond fixing. Best to be a new creature every morning , indeed every moment.

my prayer sentence after listening to the song will be: :”it is all here, right here, right now”.

 

thank you, Linda. I so appreciate your perspective. Kathy/Kathleen

Unexpectedly, on Sunday, the reading about setting an intention for the day hit me like a ton of bricks. It was clear as a bell Monday what my intention needed to be. Yesterday, yes, I knew I was called to hold my tongue….and be conscious of why I interrupt people so much. It’s my exaggerated need for connection (affection ).  again, this morning:I hear: “curb your greediness for experience. Cull all the opportunities for engaging the world so as to maintain a spacious soul.”All my intentions this week have to do with lifelong challenges….and humiliating failures.

Even if  I fail miserably, I am trying my best. These intentions landing on me are like messages from the beyond. Pete Seegers’s lyrics sound in my  ears:  Because I love you, I’ll give it one more try…

Adeline, that ressonates with me , what you said..

I have this fantasy that everyone is swimming in a huge ocean and we are swimming to the other side. The only way we arrive is to get to the shore. Some of us are ahead of others but only in the sense of that arrival, which is death.

somehow going up that spiral staircase,  dying before I die, getting to the top of St. John of the cross’s Mount Carmel , makes no difference in the final analysis.

one of the highlights of this arduous journey called life is when someone swims up and accompanies another for awhile. We, here, are  swimming close to each other, keeping each other company. Despite how long we have been following the spiritual path or what experiences we have, we  are all vulnerable And nobody needs to be fixed. Nobody needs to be analyzed. Being present to what is, in this moment, we have no need to analyze or fix ourselves. We are exactly where we need to be.

not to say we don’t acknowledge our self judgment and feel the deep grief that is ours, and feel the annoyance we have when what we want to have or do is blocked. We are just human beings after all and don’t have control of our mind, or emotions or body. We just keep taking the next stroke.

and pray for each.

 

I just did cp. the practice teaches me that each moment is a world unto itself , and that is where God is . We curate possible narratives, and allow culturally determined narratives to go to the edge of consciousness. Doing lectio and Visio divina every day informs my narratives.

I have to be really careful about how my environment is shaping my beliefs about what is. A big one is to forgive myself and the other. To see perpetrators of evil as God sees them.

I like the example of pope Francis, Teillard, and Merton ….Mary…to see what is as it is. In perspective.

hoping , wanting to trust….

 

I just embroidered this on the front of a t-shirt: Trusting what is emerging…on the back, I embroidered a crysalis with a butterfly emerging.

Waiting is hard when I am in disconsolation . But the waiting is a healing balm.

Well, coming off the tuesday group, I am so moved.

Ann spoke about her struggle with God allowing such awfull things. Something I read a couple of years ago helped so much:

God is there too, in the desperation.

I do not know why God should strike

But God is what is striken also.

Life if what despairs in death.

And desperate, is life still

Archibald MacLeish in J. B., a play about God and Job

The daily practice of Centering Prayer gradually widens our heart’s perspective

This is what stuck in my mind yesterday from our prayer gathering. Centering prayer and welcoming prayer relaxes my poor mind.  The landscape of my experience recedes into the distance. in my mind’s eye, there I am standing with my God viewing the vast landscape of my life. The words come: “I thank you that I am fearfully, wonderful made. “.

I could chide myself for the extent of time spent on taking care of myself in this way. unexpectedly, the more I am gentle and forgiving of myself, the more that translates into: ”ah, this clerk is human too. she is courageous in showing up for her life.” “That person over there…I have resented her. Her bravado…what is underneath it? she is spirit in a human body, too. She needs reassurance too.”

So much insight. so much grace.

Pamela, thank you for this window into your experience. We are all on our way…as Ram Dass said, “walking each other home.”

Finally, I can fulfill my vocation to be a contemplative. there is so much I don’t “have “ to do anymore. I saw a notepad , with a line at the top: To Do …or not.

really, how much of my doing is necessary?

Happy Easter everyone!
To live eternal life is to live in the now…..  … The resurrection happens in the present moment. Ilia Delhi

one of my daily intentions is to allow myself to be new to myself…The story I have been telling myself, about what happened to me that caused my “blah, blah , blah”… How these other people are so bad because they” blah, blah,  blah”.

It is time to live forward a new story , one in which I am not bad, or damaged and no one else is either. After all, when that curtain ripped on Good Friday, a new story began to write itself.

may I be present in this moment for my own emerging story and to the other, so they can let go of their old story and live in this moment , this moment , and this moment into their own resurrection story.

when I woke up this morning , my head ached,  I felt exhausted and cranky. Look where cp and lectio divina have brought me? Just for this moment, this day.

min a little while , I am going to visit an Amish woman and her daughters who are having a quilting be….

meanwhile those dishes….

 

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