Whenever I thought I was being “of service”, I always learned more than I taught   I met people who trusted that there would be “a way when there was no way.”  A friend recently returned from Palestine with this new awareness:  saying that we “empower” others assumes that they have no power within themselves.  For me, spending time in silence helps me be more receptive to this “continuing education”.

Several times in my life I have let  go of what I thought was my “calling” and then waited, listened for what was beckoning me. I couldn’t let go of something while  already holding onto something new. I had to experience the vastness and the mystery of the Divine presence while in that place of openness. A little scary if I have to support myself. A little disconcerting when I couldn’t explain myself. About all I could say is “the container has become too small –  comfortable but small.”  And, eventually a bigger space appeared.

“Where am I?  Who am I?”  There is a third question: “Why am  ?”  Why am I in this place at this time? “  The answer has been different at different times in my life. But perhaps the all encompassing answer is: to be fully present to this life that I have  been given, moment by moment.

“Become what you receive”. I have often thought of the Eucharist as the “chi” or life force of Christ. When this chi is united with my chi,  a unique Christ is manifested. It is my responsibility to tend this chi, to give it the silence and the companions it needs.

In 2005, I participated in the “Magdalene Journey”, a parish tradition. Our group of six women met weekly from January until Good Friday. Each of us took on the identity of a woman in the Bible and deepened that identity during our time together.  On Good Friday, we six gathered to reflect on our individual experience of Jesus’ suffering and death. I had chosen Veronica, portrayed in the sixth station of the cross.  During Jesus’ walk toward Golgotha, Veronica stepped out of the crowd to  wipe Jesus’ face. Each year I reflect on that bold act and Veronica’s message: that each of us might not be able to single handedly stop the violence of today’s world, but we can comfort the victims of that violence, be it in Ukraine, Gaza  or our own community.

It was 2011. Extensive hip surgery had landed me in a nursing home for seven weeks with my future mobility uncertain. I was on disability leave from my job, not sure that I would be able to return.   The future looked dark.  One Wednesday evening, a friend picked me up from the nursing home and brought me to the weekly Taize service. When we pulled into the church parking lot, two friends were waiting to greet me. As soon as I got settled into the front pew, they hugged me, saying ,”welcome home”.  That started the tears flowing. In that moment, in a darkened church, there was light. It was the light of the sacred, a light that is always present and can light up the darkest of moments.

It was December 22, 2001. I had returned to California after 30 years and I was looking for a parish. I had been without a parish since 1970 when I walked away. Each week I tried another church, but there was no energy in any of them. Then I walked into,St Francis church in Midtown and started shivering and crying. “I think this is it.”  Whenever I get caught up in my dissatisfaction with the institutional church, I remember that moment and trust that what I knew that day remains true, that there remains a community of faith that I can trust. I was reminded of this yesterday when I gathered with other parishioners to celebrate the life of a long time member. We sang familiar songs, shared memories and expressed our gratitude for one another as we share the journey of faith.  There are moments – big and small – that help along the way.

“Recognition energy”:  as I age, the invitation and the challenge is to recognize the deeper parts of myself that are not dependent on accomplishments, memberships, mobility or reputation. As my energy for the superficial declines, let my energy for the depths of life increase. May I recognize the divine in me, in others, in this time in history.

I am a member of the Association of Contemplative Women. The Association was begun by cloistered nuns who responded to Vatican II by reaching across  their individual enclosures and eventually out to contemplative women outside the cloister. This bold move came out of extended periods of silence. These women trusted that silence would not be diluted by moving out of the cloister.

During these shorter days, I often take the short walk to the community patio and sit as the sun sets. Because of the buildings, I don’t actually see the sun set, but I can feel it.  As the sky darkens, everything seems to settle down.   The invitation is to rest, simply rest without reviewing the day or making plans for the next one. These moments are too precious to spend in my head. Instead, my body absorbs the stillness, remembering how to rest. As the chill sets in, I walk carefully back,, making my way through the big yellow leaves on the path until I feel the warmth of home   Aaaahhhh

These passages remind me of Martin Luther King Jr. ‘s “long arc of history”, humanity’s journey towards harmony with all creation. The journey often has its fits and starts but we mustn’t lose sight of The Way.  I am also reminded of indigenous people and their continual return to the ancestors – both human and non-human – as a source of wisdom. There is hope and wisdom in our history and in our natural world. As we emerge from a time in silence, let us be ever vigilant in noticing these sources of hope and wisdom.

It is another Tuesday at HOPE Cooperative.  I come here weekly for another lesson in “life on the margins”. Waiting in the lobby are a few mental health clients, each with their own story of homelessness and and survival. There are a couple of companion dogs who offer unconditional love to their owners. At 1 PM, a group of six move into the large room and arrange themselves in a circle  for a movement practice. Although they are all currently housed, they each have  had periods of being homeless, and continue to feel housing insecure. Led by one of their own, they do the practice in silence. This is their time of rest and recovery. They know one another well and often share experiences.and encouragement. I join in the practice and then listen to their conversation. It is my time to listen and learn, for they are my best teachers. They are clear evidence of the transformation that happens in shared silence. It is a transformation that happens slowly with bumps along the way – for each of them and for me.

“Give to God what belongs to God.”  All of creation, in its magnificence and mystery, is a gift. I return it to God by caring for it as something sacred. It is not mine to consume or corrupt.  My time in silence allows me to care for my inner self.  Emerging from the silence, I am prompted to care for my fellow humans along with the humblest  of rocks and the loftiest of eagles. Let me learn from my indigenous brothers and sisters how to live in harmony with my world, inner and outer.

“Come ride with me.”  A few trips on a Paratransit bus will introduce you to a different world. It is a world of wheelchairs and walkers, dialysis patients and accident victims. A world of unexpected and unwanted delays, bumpy rides and slow moving traffic. It is also a world of resiliency, skilled and patient drivers, laughter and tears. It is a world that can be depressing and uplifting at the same time. Most passengers did not choose their limitations, their lack of mobility and independence. But many find a way to live full and courageous lives. My limitations are modest but real and sometimes tiring. Almost without fail, there will be a passenger, a driver, a story that will remind me that God’s ways are not our ways. That hope and beauty are found in unexpected places.

“Disengage” is the word and the action that have opened a new way of responding to a neighbor who has been a source of hurt for several years. I had never thought of disengagement as an act of compassion for the “other”. By disengaging from this person, I can remove the opportunity for her to do harmful things that she might regret later and I can remove my temptations to think angry thoughts about her. A much more loving and effective way to end a relationship.

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